My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
