Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
