I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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