Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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