Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I lost the right to judge tonight
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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