Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
