yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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