in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
