Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
