He had one of those small greek statue penises
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
