I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
