I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
