Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
