Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
