I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm gonna have a badass scar
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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