shes about as inviting as chlamydia
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
