We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
