shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
the night ended with taco bell and tears
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
