I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
