I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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