barbara walters just said penis...
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I need to calm my uterus...
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
