Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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