i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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