i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
