booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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