My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
