i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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