Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
