i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
