There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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