sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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