I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
