I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize