2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
