dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
