i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
