So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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