my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
