I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
