new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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