oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
