the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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