I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
