I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
