dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
