he puts the penis in happiness.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
