Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
