it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
