shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
