Why does Corona taste like a burp?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
