apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
We need to rekindle our bromance
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
