RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize