new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Just high enough for therapy.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
