My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
