The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
