He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
