Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
