I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
