i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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