I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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