I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
