Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
