This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
